Higher Power Spanx. When put them on, one of the legs was kind of stiff and weird and was strangling my thigh, and the other was normal regular thigh suffocation, so either one leg became obese overnight while the other remained the same, or there was something wrong with the Spanx. Shortly thereafter, as I was blow drying my hair simultaneously counteracting my straightening efforts by sweating profusely from the blow dryer heat, I noticed that the bathroom started to reek of pee. I bent over to smell the weird leg of the Spanx and it confirmed what I had initially suspected, which was that Perry had apparently peed on my Spanx a while back and I had now infected my entire luggage with dog pee.
You may be wondering how Perry could have possibly peed on my Spanx, and you may in fact suspect that maybe I peed on myself and am now trying to blame it on Perry. Well, the answer, to which all visitors to my apartment as well as Oprah can attest, is that I throw all my clothes on ground after I wear them. Sometimes I attempt to be neat and throw them on the ground in my closet. Perry is currently going throw a teenage boy phase, where every night I say , "Bedtime!" and he jumps off the bed and goes into a closet and makes a fort out of my clothes on the floor and sleeps on them. On nights when he's been drinking (water), sometimes he takes matters into his own hands and relieves himself in my closet in the middle of the night. Since this has happened only twice in the last year there is very little need for me learn my lesson and stop throwing things on the floor.
So, my options were wearing Perry pee-smelling Spanx or not wearing Spanx at all, and as the latter was not really an option as my dress was ludicrously tight, I perservered with wearing the Spanx for the rehearsal dinner. The following night I was also forced to wear the Spanx again as my dress was even more ludicrously tight, closely resembled an anus, and was, according to Megan, also worn by "high class hookers." As I was regaling my friend Aaron with the Spanx story, he asked why I didn't just go out and buy new Spanx for the wedding on Saturday or just wash the pee ones on Saturday morning so that they would be dry in time for Saturday night. I replied that a) it did not occur to me to wash them and b) that maybe he was a millionaire but I am "technically" "unemployed" and I didn't have the chests of gold required to commandeer a cab around DC looking for some Higher Power Size A Spanx with a telescope and a three cornered hat like Christopher Columbus and so I thought the most prudent way to proceed was to just have people notify me if they started to smell dog pee.