Fart 'N Walk

Not just for warfare anymore

For the past two days, I've been waking DIRECTLY behind people on the street as they perpetrate the classic fart 'n walk. For those of you who are pretending not to know EXACTLY what I'm talking about, the fart 'n walk (hereinafter "FNW") is when someone is walking on the street, usually with a group of people and farts while walking, thereby conveniently moving away from the eye of the fart and being able to fart in a group of people with no one the wiser. Yesterday as I was walking home from the gym, three teenagers in the usual get up of leggings, uggs, puffy jackets and ragamuffin knit hats were walking in front of me when I walked RIGHT INTO the epicenter of a fart. The one who obviously farted turned around to ensure that no one was directly behind her, and when I gave her a horrified look she turned red and quickly turned back, as she realized she'd executed an FNW when the coast was most definitely not clear.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I can change the world and stop people from emitting FNWs. They were here before me, and they'll be here after I'm dead. The only thing I'm saying is that if you're planning on facilitating a FNW, turn around before doing so, and confirm that there is no one within 50 feet walking distance, as the average "smoldering" time for a fart emitted while walking is a function of both food ingested, speed of walking, power of fart and humidity, i.e., S= (F x LM x BMI x mph)/H, where S = smell, F = fart, LM = last meal, BMI = body mass index, mph = miles per hour and H = humidity. If everyone sticks to 50 feet, we should all be ok for the most part, but know yourself and know when to increase this number, if for example, you've just had Indian food or you're limping.