Cribs: Feldman Edition

Aliza in the 80s workout studio, note the Chia Head in background

My sister Aliza and I have always dreamed of opening up Feldman, Feldman, Feldman Feldman & Feldman, which is a business that combines all our interests and talents (which are many). Aliza is going to school for a masters in psychology and I'm a lawyer, so we'd have a business where you complain to Aliza and drop your annoying legal problems off with me, and I will Google the answer. While Aliza is waiting to see you, you can buy t-shirts from our CrusTee t-shirt line which feature hysterical iron-on logos such as "Two Surgeries" in the front and "I Believe You, Michael" in the back, and "Will You" in the front and "Accept This Rose?" in the back, and includes our best seller which says "I'm a Star" in the front, and "Jones-Reynolds" in the back. HAHAHAHHAH.

One thing that this business will not do is that we will not try to interior decorate your home or attempt to do your math homework. I am a firm believer that interior design is something that you learn from your parents. Unfortunately, I grew in a house designed by Helen Keller where the bathrooms were specially decorated by Michael Jackson a la the Billy Jean video, the kitchen has McDonalds wallpaper and floors, and there is a giant leather couch in the den that was taken directly from Rockaway Bedding. Throw in some watercolor Holocaust paintings with people randomly blowing shofars and you get the picture.

Both my room and Aliza's room look like 80s aerobics studios with splatter paint wallpaper. Aliza's bed has been broken for literally 20 years so it's not surprising that she hit her head on the drawers above her bed 10 years ago and had to get stitches when she came up to my parents room with her with her face covered in blood. You can still see the blood on the drawers, but luckily it's camouflaged by the splatter paint. Jenna's room was modeled after a "horse stable" and has a fake wooden wall on one side.

Unfortunately, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and the only decoration I have in my aparment is a Harry Belafonte record album framed and my prized Pope John Paul II paint-by-numbers. Everyone always comes over and tells me that the place is ridiculous loooking and that I need to decorate immediately, but I can't see the point of decorating if I'm going to move or die one day and frankly I'd rather spend the money on shoes or facials to decrease my zits which have apparently taken over my face. I mean, I can still conceal them masterfully, but it is actually not legitimate to have wrinkles AND zits at age 27.