On the subway this morning I was thinking of my upcoming birthday and how my office better look like the Amazon with all the flower deliveries I better receive or else, and it reminded me of Valentines Day and how I should write a post just letting people know what the acceptable protocol is. This past Valentine's, I was dating someone who said that he "thought that I wasn't the kind of person who would buy into Valentines Day" the implication being that only low-brow people cared about such a ridiculous holiday, and as a result, he just didn't plan anything. This is acceptable IN NARNIA. I informed him that he obviously didn't know me at all because I was actually the kind of person who believes that Valentines Day is the second most important day of the year (the first being my birthday), the day when you prove your love for me with the most critical aspect being that whatever is done should be done in public so that I could brag to my co-workers. After yelling at him, I then instructed him that if he cared at all about me, Valentines Day was to be as follows:
I wake to the gentle wind of him fanning me with a palm frond and then he serves me breakfast in bed off a golden tray. When I get up, my feet do not touch the ground because there are rose petals on the floor. Horses and a chariot bring me to work on a red carpet, and when I arrive at work, my office looks like a goddamn lagoon with all the flowers and topiaries in there and they announce over the PA system that there are more flower deliveries for me. Following work, my handsome carriage brings me to Per Se, where we dine and he presents me with diamond earrings, Agent Provocateur lingere and $500 in ice cold cash and asks me if I've been working out more. After dinner I take the cash and go home.
Anyway, I realize this post is untimely, but this is just an FYI for the future.