Kokomo

I've been sleeping all day/watching re-runs of Rock of Love, and I determined that I need a vacation STAT. The last "vacation" I took was for 4 days in February visiting my grandmother in West Palm Beach, Florida, with my sister Aliza, which can be classified less as a vacation and more as the Jewish mitzvah of "Bikur Chulim" - i.e., visiting the sick. Every day I a) got up, b) made myself a smoothie while my grandmother watched and directed, c) went down to the pool to watch the old people swim with feathered bathing caps, d) read a non-fiction book about Henry VIII and his court because Borders didn't have the one about Henry VIII and his wives in stock, e) went back upstairs, f) showered d) ate dinner and e) watched Law & Order SVU episodes until 11pm with my grandmother who who encouraged me to eat a piece of fruit during every commercial break. It wasn't really relaxing considering there was no internet connection, no fruity drinks with umbrellas and no native people coming around and pestering me to do water aerobics every five minutes.

The vacation I was supposed to go on before that was a biking/hiking/"wilderness" trip to Ecuador that I was going on by myself, due to the fact that I am strong, independent woman and in no way due to the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. I booked it when I was really depressed before my dosage got raised and looking back on it, I literally must have been clinically insane when I booked it. I think I wanted to fancy myself as this trail mix fleece vest wearing aunt who rappelled to work with my caribeener, but by the time the extra Lexapro kicked in, I honestly was horrified that I had shelled out $3,000 for this trip/nightmare, although we did get the list of fellow travelers from the tour agency and there was "Matt" from "New York, NY" that sounded promising, but then I realized that my concealer would come off while sweating and I wouldn't have a hairdryer/flatiron so obviously nothing would come of it. Luckily, I couldn't go on the trip for other non-blog-appropriate reasons, but I still got the bragging rights of saying I had booked the trip, got to blame my not being able to go on something else, and got the respect of people who said they were "impressed" that I would go on a trip like this.

I'm hoping my next trip can happen, which is a trip to Utah with my friend Victoria to investigate these so-called "Mormons," try and get them to convert me, and visit some polygamist communities and see what is going on there. A few years ago, my friend Anna was in Utah and brought me back a bunch of Mormon literature which was absolutely hysterical and by far the best vacation gift anyone has ever given me, except for the Norwegian Cruises thimbles and commemorative spoons Risa gets me from her cruises.

Um, the song "Kokomo" includes the lyrics "tropical contact high" - is this a joke.