Thursday, April 3, 2008

Things I Will Need When I Die

A while back when Jerry Orbach died, there were all these ridiculous and grammatically incorrect subway organ donor ads saying “Jerry Orbach was a gifted actor and his greatest gift was that of sight,” which advertised the fact that he had donated his eyes. When I commented to my friend Megan that it was actually really gross to be wearing somebody else’s eyes and that personally I would rather be blind, Megan got extremely offended and asked me whether, if I died before her and she needed a heart or would certainly die, I would give her mine. I said no, because what if I needed it for the afterlife? Obviously I have no idea if there even is an afterlife, but I’m just not willing to take the chance in case I might need it for something.

Which brings me to my next point - if you think I’m getting buried, nice try but forget it. 1-800- Mausoleums R Us. Also, I will need the following things buried with me:

1. Mirror
2. Concealer
3. Eyelash curler
4. 2 year subscription to Us Weekly
5. Internet connection
6. Phone with unlimited texting
7. Braveheart DVD
8. Perry or replica of Perry
9. The Canterbury Tales
10. Flat iron
11. My amazing law school admissions essay on Amadou Diallo

I would also include my Louboutins in this list but Megan has already claimed them for her own burial.


megan said...

yeah, fuck mausoleums, i'm talking about full on TOMBS, like PYRAMID-style, with servants being buried alive with me and shit. and don't forget i've laid claim not only to the louboutins for my pyramid, but also to the miu mius... as i always say "if i can't wear them in life, i'll have them in death"

narixx said...

god is pretty great and all, but honestly - i wouldn't recognize you with your eyelash curler, and i doubt he would, either