Friday, April 4, 2008

Piratitude






Friday night rules for a number of reasons, the primary of which are that I don't have to be at work, Intervention is burning up my DVR, I get to eat pizza at 4AM and accuse other people of trying to make me obese, and I can drunkenly solicit compliments from friends that will temporarily boost my self esteem. Friday night does NOT rule around 9pm, when I emerge from the shower and face the moment I've been dreading all week long - putting on my "favorite" pair of Paige Premium Denim Petite jeans in size 25.

Some weeks when I've been successfully starving myself all week long and hitting the gymnasio like a madman, the jeans fit well and I look pretty much outrageously amazing. But other weeks when I've been drinking too much or where I've been trying to convince myself that "power yoga" burns just as many calories as seatbelting myself into the treadmill, putting on the jeans is a nightmare. I basically have to dump Crisco all over myself, spray my jeans with Pam, take a shoehorn and force myself in with a pulley and lever system. And once in the jeans, I look like I'm in a denim wetsuit and feel 100% gross all night.

This problem could be easily solved if I bought into the current "leggings" trend and just wore fatso leggings and a "tunic." My main problem with this is that I am not a medieval troubadour. Maybe someone really tall and thin can pull off this towne crier gear but on me I assure you it looks ludicrous. I'm not exactly sure when the 21st century became the 1400s but apparently these days it is acceptable to put on leggings, go backstage at Les Miserables, steal all the rags from the French peasants, pair them with Robin Hood boots, throw on an oversized pirate belt and then be ready to go party it up in the East Village.

Buying a larger size jean is clearly out of the question, but I am open to other suggestions that do not involve the "skinny" jean and Nazi boot look.

4 comments:

Maria said...

Who is that strange lady in the red "tunic" and where did you find her?

Robespierre said...

I googled "leggings boots tunic" and she came up. I obviously don't have a picture of me in that kind of getup.

scott said...

Normally, I would just lie and tell you that you look great no matter what and that no guys (especially quality mens like my fellow Libras [librarians? hmm.]) care about your jeans.

But that would only make you feel good for a minute. I think it would be more useful to share with you the "rules of ladies denim" that I came up with on my date last night. She was in such heinous violation of this code that I was mean to her all night. I was dying until she left this morning so I could share my new rules.

1) Your jeans should cost more than mine. Mine are expensive, so you need to really be on point.

2) Your jeans should not come from Express. I am appalled, though only slightly less so, if they come from Mudd, Mossimo, or MixIt.

3) Your jeans shouldn't be the same color blue as the ones you can find at Home Depot.

4) I have a 28" waist. If you are similar in stature to me (about 5'6") and require a larger size than I do, I'd recommend some sweet leggings and a tunic.

Robespierre said...

Um, everything you said above is 100% on point and hilarious, except for the sweet leggings part (which was hilarious but sadly way off point). How was this girl in violation of this rule? If you say she was wearing Muds I might literally die.