Monday, April 28, 2008

Massage Perverts: Back by Popular Demand

So apparently people want to know what happened at the massage, and it was pretty much exactly what you would expect. I rolled up in an oversize robe, this cute guy with curly hair comes out of one of the massage rooms and I practically shit my pants, and he says "Michelle?" which is not me, so I continue reading Details magazine. Eventually this tall Russian guy in a leather jacket barges in to the spa and says "You Mary?" and I said yes, and he rudely tells me there are no rooms available for 20 minutes, and I say "um, ok" and then he says angrily "Dees is not my fault, dey try and call you, now it is all a mess, so now I don't want to involve myself." So then we proceed to ignore each other in the waiting room for a half hour and finally a room frees up, I hop on the table and say "Deep tissue massage, right?" and he said "I do all my massages the same" so I knew I would get the individualized attention I was hoping for.

So I'm laying down butt up on the massage table, and I'm wearing my underwear because no one ever told me whether you're supposed to wear your underwear or not and I figured I'd err on the side of caution, and he starts massaging my back and all of sudden says "I pull your underwear down" at which point I died of humiliation and pretended that it was perfectly normal for this conversation to be happening. Throughout the very rough massage he commanded me to relax and stop holding my breath which I found difficult to do since he was massaging my butt with his elbow. I don't understand why every Russian massager, waxer or other service person follows the same 4 step cruelty process of criticizing you, telling you you're doing everything wrong and to trust them because they are the authority, abusing you more than necessary just to delight in watching you suffer as they suffered during the pogroms and abruptly ending the service by leaving midway and slamming the door.

Anyway, so the bottom line is that now I have bruises all over my body and can barely move, and I know it would technically have been harrassment for him to be like "nice body" after the massage, but I was pretty much naked and now I feel sort of used.


Maria said...

I'm very embarassed for my people.

Also, I realize I'm no longer in close proximity to you, but some kind of shout-out would be appreciated. I'm a dedicated reader.

Jennifer said...

See? I'm not the only one asking for shout outs. I loved this image of you with the mean Russian. Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Time to switch gyms.