The mirror in which I caught sight of this hideous visage was conveniently located next to Bare Escentuals, which is that mineral foundation garbage that they sell on infomercials right after the ProActiv infomercials, the idea being that once you've rid yourself of your truly monstrous disfiguring pizza face acne, you can conceal the ghosts of zits past, the acne pits and the damage done by all your disgusting past carbuncles by applying these light-as-a-feather minerals and the ravages of your face will be magically 100% concealed. I have long been wary of putting minerals on my face due to the fact that "minerals" is actually a code word for "rocks," but frankly, desperate times call for desperate measures. I asked the Sephora lady what these minerals were all about and she helpfully suggested that I start out with the $60 starter kit, which contained a "base layer" and a "glow layer" which any idiot knows are the two key layers when painting on your face. She then put on the "base layer" on one side of my face by swirling around a brush with practically no powder around my cheek for about 3 minutes. I looked in the mirror and it looked EXACTLY the same as the other side of my face, except slightly sparklier. I asked her if the "base layer" did anything else besides nothing, like grant me everlasting youth or eternal happiness, and she said it contained SPF 15 and that in general "minerals are good for the skin."
Her logic was airtight and as a lifelong and ardent believer in the power of horoscopes, psychics, tea leaves, omens, magical creams and elixirs of youth, I decided that while the effects of Bare Escentuals are not visible to the naked eye, its powers are gradual and cumulative and that in order to see its effects I will have to wear it every day from now until I die, but I have a very strong feeling that this is the key to all my problems.