Saturday, April 26, 2008

Massage Perverts

I woke up today craving a massage, so I called Equinox to book one, which has the added benefit of requiring that I show up at the gym as well so I'd be guilted into working out beforehand. The woman at the desk asked me if I wanted a male or female masseuse and I said female, because obviously when I'm getting massage I don't want to be worried that I might get raped or there might be boners or other annoying things going on, since only male perverts become masseuses since it's free touching. Also, someone once got me a gift certificate for a chiropractor massage in Philadelphia and over the course of this massage I was forced to climb naked into a vibrating egg and then lay on a table with only a threadbare napkin covering my shit up while this guy massaged me and the entire time I had a sneaking suspicion I was being molested.

It's the same concept with gynecologists. I obviously see a female doctor because if you agree to see a male doctor, a female nurse has to be in the room with you at all times to make sure he doesn't text his friends or ask you out on a date, and then two people instead of one are looking at me and judging. Also, male gynecologists are obviously all perverts too and I don't want to have to worry that he is pretending to be clinically interested in my vagina when actually he's secretly taking pictures of me with a hidden camera in his glasses.

Anyway, so obviously no female masseuses were available today, but she said that the male masseuse she recommended was gay, so I tried to book him, but he was unavailable, so I had to book "Dmitri." She put me on hold to try and find out Dmitri's sexual orientation, but she came back and said he was either Euro or gay, nobody could tell yet because he was just hired. So at 5pm today I will be massaged by either a gay man (hopefully) or a European pervert (hopefully not). I didn't want to look like a loser who was afraid of male masseuses, so I ended up putting down my credit card to reserve the massage, but frankly there's no point in even going now because I will be 100% shitting myself the entire time.

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