Thursday, April 24, 2008

Financial Solutions

After I had forwarded my tax forms to the offices of Daddykins Feldman for processing, my dad called me up and asked me if I had any other "investments." I asked him what he meant, and he asked whether, besides investing in shoes and makeup, I "put my money anywhere that would actually MAKE money" for me. I still didn't really know what he meant, because I was told there were only checkings and savings accounts, and someone had to me to keep things in checking and only use my savings account on pain of death, because apparently money in savings account "makes" money, and money in checking accounts does nothing. He explained that he was referring to "stocks" or "mutual funds"and not my ridiculous Commerce Bank accounts, and that he would send me some Fidelity Mutual Fund crap to look over and that I should "consider"investing my money instead of "letting it go to waste" in a bank.

So he sent me this Fidelity crap which was basically a bunch of boring documents with charts with the gist being that I hand over all my money, they apparently put it into some magical money making machine where I just put in one dollar and 30 gold coins come out. Despite 3 centuries of medieval people trying to turn turn lead into gold, Fidelity has solved the problem and discovered an easy way to turn money into more money. Incidentally, Fidelity has also tamed the elusive unicorn and solved the mystery of the abandoned settlement of Roanoake. Um, frankly I'd just rather have my money rotting in the bank and diversify my investments in lottery tickets and clothing and haircuts or whatever, because the better I look the better my chances are of marrying a repulsively rich person who will pay me to work out and watch tv.