Thursday, April 10, 2008

Barely Essential

Yesterday I was at Sephora picking up some essentials, namely Nars Cruella velvet matte lip pencil, my Shu Uemera eyelash curler and Dior Show mascara. Normally before I go into any Sephora, I reapply my makeup because the mirrors and lighting in there are just devastating, and I typically leave vowing to cut off my face and start over, or adding to the list of necessary plastic surgeries. Yesterday was no exception, and as I was hunting around for the eyelash curlers I by accident looked into one the mirrors and literally saw Freddy Krueger looking back.

The mirror in which I caught sight of this hideous visage was conveniently located next to Bare Escentuals, which is that mineral foundation garbage that they sell on infomercials right after the ProActiv infomercials, the idea being that once you've rid yourself of your truly monstrous disfiguring pizza face acne, you can conceal the ghosts of zits past, the acne pits and the damage done by all your disgusting past carbuncles by applying these light-as-a-feather minerals and the ravages of your face will be magically 100% concealed. I have long been wary of putting minerals on my face due to the fact that "minerals" is actually a code word for "rocks," but frankly, desperate times call for desperate measures. I asked the Sephora lady what these minerals were all about and she helpfully suggested that I start out with the $60 starter kit, which contained a "base layer" and a "glow layer" which any idiot knows are the two key layers when painting on your face. She then put on the "base layer" on one side of my face by swirling around a brush with practically no powder around my cheek for about 3 minutes. I looked in the mirror and it looked EXACTLY the same as the other side of my face, except slightly sparklier. I asked her if the "base layer" did anything else besides nothing, like grant me everlasting youth or eternal happiness, and she said it contained SPF 15 and that in general "minerals are good for the skin."

Her logic was airtight and as a lifelong and ardent believer in the power of horoscopes, psychics, tea leaves, omens, magical creams and elixirs of youth, I decided that while the effects of Bare Escentuals are not visible to the naked eye, its powers are gradual and cumulative and that in order to see its effects I will have to wear it every day from now until I die, but I have a very strong feeling that this is the key to all my problems.

5 comments:

Maria said...

I tried that shit. It's too time-consuming and does nothing whatsoever besides drying out your skin like mad so it flakes off. I returned it to Sephora. I highly recommend Christian Dior "forever" foundation, that shit is amazing.

Robespierre said...

wait, why is it amazing? does it stay on "forever"?

Maria said...

It's amazing because it provides very good coverage without looking fake, does not make me look too oily or too dry, the texture is awesome, it makes me look flawless, and by the end of the day my skin still looks pretty decent. I've tried a gazillion other foundations (and other Christian Dior foundations) but I like this one the best, second to Chanel Vitalummiere, which is a little too oily. Also I like smashbox primer under it.

Robespierre said...

Hm, I'll have to try it

Jennifer Wilson said...

I hate Bare Escentuals. I love Dr Feelgood primer and Stila tinted moisturizer