Dear Robespierre,
This weekend I have offers to go to the Jersey shore and the Hamptons. Which one should I choose?
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
In order to make a fully informed decision about where to go this weekend, let me provide a brief description of both the NJ shore and the SHAMptoms based on what I believe to be going on in both of these locations, despite the fact that I have never been to either. The NJ shore is perfect for people who are members of Gold's gym, have the Presidente Tanning package (unlimited tans, $75 a month) at Beach Bum Tanning, have at least 3 tribal tattoos or tattoos of butterflies, own 4 bottles of Dep styling gel, listen to DJ Tiesto, are constantly talking about getting both respected and disrespected, eat calzones twice a week, own several mockturtleneck t-shirts and/or juicy couture sweat outfits and work part-time at GNC and/or Claire's. The SHAMptons, on the other hand, is ideal for people who work in finance or fashion, tan on the roofs of their buildings in Murray Hill, tell their parents to "shut up" while on the phone with them and don't get punished for doing so, snort coke and braggg about it for 2 weeks after to all their friends and make reference to it in their tagged photos on Facebook, and frequently discuss boating or golfing. If neither of these places sounds like you, I would suggest staying in the city and writing bitter blog posts. I hope this answers your question.
Your friend,
Robespierre
Posts
3 comments:
I have been reading since day 1, and this is the funniest post yet. I love the Shore and the Hamptons. Thank you for the pizza.
What's Fire Island like?
Once I was staying in Long Beach Island in Jersey because I convinced my GF at the time to have a 21st birthday in the Hamptons, but when I saw how much it would cost, I convinced her Long Beach Island was just as nice and we should go there.
So we did. And we were woken up late at night by loud screaming, and I looked out of the window and saw a little kid smashing a chair over the head of some big dude screaming "Don't you ever hurt my mommy". Its like coming out of a dream and finding yourself alive in a Jerry Springer episode.
Oh yeah - the AC didn't work, and when I took the cover off of it to investigate (yeah I am cool like that), I discovered it was a block of ice.
Hamptons and the Jersey shore both suck. Real men go to the Catskills. And do their grocery shopping at the Monticello Walmart at 2 am on a Saturday night and hit on Orthodox Jewish girls.
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