Brita Water Filters

"Water, water, everywhere,
Nor a drop to drink"
-Samuel Coleridge, "Rime of the Ancient Mariner"

A few weeks ago, Megan was over my apartment and asked me for a glass of water. I don't do glasses since I don't do dishes, but I asked her if a cup was adequate, and she said that it was fine, so I rolled up to the sink and ran the tap. She then asked me if I really expected her to drink water DIRECTLY FROM MY TAP and that she would actually take Brita, thanks. I then informed Megan that I don't have a corny Brita pitcher because a) Brita is just a funnel that transports water from the top of the pitcher to the bottom of the pitcher, and it contains fake dirt to show that it's "working" and b) the only thing that is free in life is tap water and if you think I'm going to start paying $28 month for a supposedly magical filter that turns water into wine, you're living in Narnia. I'm sorry, but if my tap water is full of sewage, AIDS needles, dysentery and diabeetus, the chances that a Brita filter with phony iodine pellets is going to miraculously save me from love in the time of cholera is approximately 0%. Perry and I have been drinking tap water all of our lives and we haven't died yet.

The bottom line here is that people only have Brita in case they hook up so they can offer Brita in the morning and look high class and make it seem like they respect the other person and weren't using him or her for sex. I mean, when you go to a restaurant and order tap and they pour it from a fancy glass jug to make it appear like it might be from a European aqueduct, if you think that it's NOT directly from the sink and that they stayed late for an extra 3 hours the night before to filter 94 gallons of water in industrial Britas, you're living in Narnia.