Dear Robespierre

Dear Robespierre,

I take a spinning class twice a week and my crotch is in severe pain during it and afterwards. What can I do? Don't tell me not to go spinning, because it ain't gonna happen.

In Pain

Dear In Pain,

That's alarming. I recommend that following spin class, you go home. Put on CD 101.9 Smooth Jazz and set out a crystal goblet filled with Fancy Feast for your cat which you should present on a tray with a silver dome top. Run yourself a bath filled with lavender and rose petals and douse yourself in sensuous oils made of the finest perfumes from Cathay. Following the bath, lounge around in a puffy white robe and turn off your phone, blackberry and computer except for possibly Facebook, and then call 7 people and talk about how refreshed and unbelievably relaxed you feel and that you have just spent an hour "pampering" yourself. This should incite extreme jealousy, which typically helps with pain. I hope this answers your question.

Your friend,

Robespierre