Major Announcement

N.Y. Times professional engagement photo (eyebrows on same level)

To be honest, I never thought I'd get married. I never dreamed about having a wedding as a kid, never schemed about what my dress would look like, who I would invite, or any of that garbage, because frankly the notion of reporting to one person for the rest of my life is not my idea of a good time and if someone asked me to marry them I would probably have 30 heart attacks, need to buy myself some time, say yes because I felt guilty, regret it immediately and then call off the engagement but keep my pear-shaped canary diamond set in platinum engagement ring to sell on ebay. I also never particularly wanted to have children because they're annoying, would inherit my original nose and I might get fat. But, with several of my friends now engaged or married and with DeAnna the Bachelorette's engagement to Jesse who I am deeply attracted to for no apparent reason, I have become exceedingly jealous of people who are engaged mainly because I want a party, free gifts that I demand people buy for me on my registry and a luxxxurious dress.

This is all just a roundabout way of telling you all that I will finally exact my revenge of everyone else who bragggs and plans weddings and two can play at this game - because I'M ENGAGED, suckas. No more scrounging around for dates to other peoples' weddings, begging for people to go on vacation with me, or having to foot the entire rent bill myself, because I've finally found a guy who is handsome, supports me, agrees with everything I say and works around MY schedule. That's right - Perry and I are getting married after having lived together for a year. Unfortunately, much like the plight of black Americans during the women's suffrage years, the rights of people to marry their pets often takes a backseat to gay marriage rights, but luckily one shady British website is making this possible for me and Perry. Our gold crested seal certificate should be here within 7 business days after they confirm receipt of my Paypal transfer. We are honeymooning in the Tompkins Square Dog Park, so if you could contain your jealousy that would be great, because I'm engaged and did I mention I was engaged.