Friday, May 30, 2008
Because I wear VERY expensive and luxxxurious clothing, several months ago I was shopping in Bloomingdales and bought approximately $700 worth of clothing because I am very rich. They asked if I wanted to open a Bloomingdales card and I said no, but then they said I could save 30% so then I said yes, and the entire amount was put on the card. Several months later when the spirit moved me to pay the bill, I logged into Bloomingdales online and saw that my account balance was $0, which was glorious news because that meant that the clothing had paid for itself.
Every few months or so I would log in to confirm that my balance was still $0 and that I had gotten all my clothing for free, until one day I received a mysterious call from a collections agency telling me that I owed approximately $900 with interest and that I needed to pay it immediately. Since the man was extremely scary and I had previously seen Dog the Bounty Hunter, I paid the full balance to the collections agency man and then called Bloomingdales to figure out what happened. The customer service rep explained to me that for some reason my online account had been registered as a "Platinum" account, but the actual charges were made to a regular "Gold" account, the (erroneous) idea being that platinum is better than gold, so that the charges never showed up online. I then asked the customer service rep whether I was supposed to use my extreme telepathic powers to intuit that Bloomingdales had made this mistake, or whether I should just in the future be fine with all my charges going to the wrong account and then paying 5000% in interest every time and have my credit score go from 10000 to 0 and have to live in constant fear that a man with a mullet and a leather vest will come to my apartment, scare the children and take back all the dresses I bought.
While I initially suspected that this "mixup" was no mistake but actually a usurious scheme by Bloomingdales to get more interest and ruin peoples credit, this was 100% confirmed last week when I was shopping with Megan at Bloomingdales and she was buying a very important dress and the cashier swiped her Bloomingdales card and said it was declined. Megan then asked to speak with a customer service rep on the phone and then she informed the rep that she was EXCEEDINGLY wealthy and just paid off her Bloomingdales card and that her card being declined was embarrassing her in front of her friends and other shoppers and making her look poor which was humiliating due to her extreme wealth. Unsurprisingly, they pulled the same pyramid scheme with her, billing one account, making up a new magical account with a $0 balance and then charging her 10,000% interest for not using her powers of telepathy and realizing what was going on. Frankly this is ridiculous and we need to get John Stossel in here to do some swab tests and investigate this shit because something is going on and I'm onto it.