So everyone has been telling me about all these refunds that people are supposed to be getting from their taxes this year, and people are throwing around numbers like $600 or like thousands of dollars and then describing past amazing refunds that funded vacations, downpayments on apartments and other key things. Since I forward my taxes to the offices of Daddykins Feldman for processing, I never see a dime of any of these refunds which I am fairly certain my Dad just pockets and who can blame him really since he paid for me for about 25 years of my life and I'm not about to start a fight over $2,000. In any event, the concept of refunds seems ridiculous to me in general, like why not just charge me less upfront and then not send a check that I might throw out by accident as junk mail and will probably never cash because going to the bank is a pain in the ass.
So I've been fantasizing about this refund check and planning all the shoes I will bid on on ebay and all the things I will squander my money on like massages and eye creams, and then on Saturday, I get a check in the mail from New York State so I rip open the envelope, tell Perry to grab his mink coat because we're moving into Trump Tower and then I look at the check and it is for $34. Is that a fucking joke? Are they really wasting my time with raising my hopes and then sending me a check for cab fare. I was so angry when I saw that check that I am very seriously considering just sending it back with a note saying "This is insulting" or "New York needs this more than I do" because what am I supposed to do with a measly $34. If this is any indication of my federal tax refund there will be big problems because I am certain that I paid a buttload in taxes to SOMEBODY and I better be getting some of that back because I need it to buy things.
P.S. I asked my mom yesterday if she had heard that war in Bosnia was over and she said no, it's hard to keep track of those things, which bolsters my point that maybe they should do a segment on 20/20 just announcing that this war is over so everyone can finally know for sure.