Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Implants at the Gym: I'm Watching

Au Natural

So the other day I was slaving away at the gymnasio and this jacked woman who had been doing the rowing machine in front of me finally gets off and turns around and, in addition to having ripped diesel arms, she had these luxxxurious bodacious breastaculars that were being contained by a sportsbra tanktop contraption. Later, after I had wrapped up my inten$e workout, I headed to the locker room and the jacked woman is blow drying her hair topless in front of a mirror pretty much right next to my locker, so I pretend to fake look around my locker for something and in order to assess her breasts and I can confirm to you that they were 100% fake.

First of all, let me just say that the only place that you should be openly naked in the locker room is in the shower, but apparently a large segment of the population disagrees with me and thinks it's perfectly fine to be naked and do the following things: fill up water bottles, weigh themselves, start conversations with me about where I got my bag, make phone calls, and blow dry hair and apply makeup. I would just like to clarify that this is actually not acceptable. I would also like to clarify that it is doubly unacceptable to have breast implants AND do things naked, because this has the effect of forcing everyone else to a) stare at the fake breasts and b) feel bad about their own saggy less luxxxurious breastaculars. I just wish people who are jacked with implants would admit that they got the implants because they became jacked and their boobs disappeared (see post below on "Sophie's Choice" for further discussion of this affliction) because when people just walk around with implants it is unfair and incites extreme jealousy and there is no need to rub it in innocent peoples' faces in the locker room.


Jenna said...

Have you ever been to the downstairs (and by downstairs I mean dungeon) locker room at the JCC? There one can find another pervasive issue: naked and unashamed old ladies.

Instead of making me feel bad about my body NOW, they pretty much reaffirm my plan to have Hailey take me out back and shoot me on my 40th birthday.

Jennifer Wilson said...

I had a traumatic experience in the locker room at Equinox - a naked woman blow drying her ass, and she was in a main thoroughfare, near the bathrooms/showers/mirrors.

PS 40 isn't so bad :)

Jennifer said...

I'm sorry but "blow drying her ass" has got to be one of the funniest lines I have ever heard. Bravo Jennifer.