Sudoku is Math Homework

I would rather die

A few years ago I went to the Dominican Republic with my friend Victoria, and while I spent my time reading non-fiction biographies of Presidents and the history of the Mormon church (chances of Utah actually being the holy land are around 0% by my estimation), because that's how I roll with reading material, Victoria was doing this "Sudoku" crap. I had seen some nerds on the subway doing this Sudoku garbage a few times and it always looked very suspicious because it involved numbers, but Victoria sat down with me and explained that Sudoku is actually a numbers puzzle where you have to add numbers together to equal other numbers and everything has to add up to the same number in the puzzle, and then she told me to try one and I'd become "addicted." I asked if this involved math and she said no, you just have to make sure everything adds up to 21 or 26 or whatever that number was.

So I'm sitting there at the pool with a pencil doing addition and it occurs to me that the makers of Sudoku have tricked me and millions of others into doing math in my SPARE TIME. I have spent a lifetime going to the bathroom twice during math class in middle school, trying to get my high school math tutor to just give me the answers to my math homework, crying in the office of my Statistics 101 professor during office hours begging him to let me do extra credit book reports or dioramas, and practically shitting myself on the LSAT "logic" (aka math) games section.

I have not come this far or struggled for so long in order to do math for fun on a vacation, and unless Sudoku is made of Swedish Fish, I would not be addicted to this shit unless I magically transformed into Russell Crowe from A Beautiful Mind. I cannot believe that people are buying books filled with piles of Sudoku math games and then spend time that they could otherwise spend watching tv, being on the internet or reading celebrity magazines doing this crap, but you can count me out because I hate math plus Sudoku is very nerdy and bad for my image.