Friday, May 9, 2008

The Most Ridiculous Place on Earth

Hell


Several months ago, somebody asked me on a date to Max Brenner's: Chocolate by the Bald Man, which I declined due to the fact that he suggested Max Brenner's. For those of you that don't know about this place, it's a chain of ridiculous chocolate-themed dessert cafe/stores that serve regular chocolate shit but also disgusting things like chocolate pizza, chocolate sandwiches and other gross items apparently made by someone who's bald. Max Brenner's also has an Epcot Center portion of the store devoted to large brass cauldrons filled with chocolate and rusty looking fountains which were used by cavemen to make dessert, fake olde tyme photoes of Civil War soldiers standing in front of crumbling nougat shops that have signs that say "1 cent," and tarnished old license plates hanging from the walls that say things like ChocoLvr and ChocAddix. When it first opened up in Union Square there was a line out the door so I got in line figuring that they were giving out chocolate covered diamonds or something worthwhile, but when I got in there it was just a bunch of people drooling over cookies and taking pictures of fudge and pointing at the chocolate and exclaiming like maniacs as if Max Brenner has finally captured the elusive unicorn and caged it in his chocolate store for the world to see.

Needless to say this place is too ridiculous for words, but people seem to lose their shit over the chance to pay $7 for one truffle when they could just go to the deli across the street and buy 10 Snickers bars for the same price. This is exactly like the Hershey's store in Times Square where you can buy normal Hershey bars for $2.35, or you could walk across the street to the Duane Read where they sell them for $1. It's like you're paying a premium to be immersed in this "wonderland" of chocolate, but the Mr. Goodbars at the Hershey store taste exactly like the ones at Rite Aid.

As a side note, I would like to report that today I am wearing my hottt Burberry rainboots and I was just in the elevator and another associate that I don't really know told me that I had the "best footwear of anyone at this firm" which is the greatest honor ever bestowed upon me and I would just like to say in your face to everyone who made fun of me in high school.

3 comments:

scott said...

honestly, i could list all of the especially hilarious lines, but i'd basically be just copying and pasting the whole post. you are too funny -- for serious.

Above14thSt said...

One thing I really don't like about this place is that if you order a milkshake, they give it to you with a cold metal straw, that has probably been sucked on by about 500 people before you. It grossed me out.

Liza said...

Thank you for the opportunity to share an amusing anectdote. As a "second tier" holiday gift option for our second tier clients at my previous hotel we offered this uninspiring Hug Mug:
https://shop.maxbrenner.com/product.aspx?prd=3

One cold December day my coworker and I went to personally deliver one of these stupendous Hug Mugs to our client. Because the gift was a bit lack luster my colleague decided to play up Max Brenner's as the new hot spot. He described Max Brenner's as a Chocolate Amusement park that was absolutely magical, a must see indeed! He went on for a good five minutes about Max Brenner's using all sorts of flavorful and enticing adjectives.

Upon leaving the client's office, my coworker tells me that he has never been to Max Brenner's.