In Memoriam: Stridex Foaming Face Wash (1996-2006)

"Come back to me. Come back to Cold Mountain."

I was just gchatting Megan that I was planning on reordering my Stridex Foaming Wash today based on the links you kind readers have sent, so I went to the medcoexpress site, added 5 bottles of this magical elixir to my cart and proceeded to check out when I got an error message saying that this product was out of stock. Alrighty. After 10 minutes of trying to buy it off of other shady websites like Mr.Shopping.net and Zuckermanpharmacy and getting lame excuses like "out of stock" and the alarming "discontinued" I called in the big guns, aka Megan, to take no prisoners and track down this shit.

After 15 minutes, Megan calls me up, and tells me that Stridex is now owned by Blistex, and she called the Blistex corporate headquarters and they revealed that the product was discontinued in 2006, left the shelves in 2007 and even if one could locate bottles of it, it was expired and people would have to call the individual stores to see if they had any left. As it was clear that the "expired" line was just some bullshit excuse to throw off the scent, Megan sent me a list of the Harmon locations, so I proceeded to call 8 of them and none of them carried it anymore. Megan then suggested that maybe I should just try to find "another" face wash. Well, I have news for you - I HAVE tried to use different washes, from exxxpen$ive shit like La Mer (increased zits and oil production) to Jessica Simpson-endorsed ProActiv (giant red itchy rash infused with zits that lasted 3 weeks and when I called ProActiv to threaten them they apologized and asked if I wanted to try their sensitive skin version), and absolutely NOTHING works for me EXCEPT Stridex Foaming Face Wash. In any event, Megan asked me what the active ingredient in the Stridex was besides virgin's tears and unicorn horn, and I told her it was Triclosan. Megan then informed me that I might want to stop using products with Triclosan because it resulted in birth defects, weakening of the immune system and uncontrolled cell growth, but on the plus side it also resulted in unhealthy weight loss. I then asked Megan whether it was worse to a) have zits until you die or b) die, and she agreed that a) was worse and so I rested my case.

If it seems strange to you that BOTH my facewash and my eyeliner have been discontinued in the past several months AND that my shampoo and conditioner are no longer sold at Ricky's, you are not alone with your hunches. It has become painfully obvious that someone is out to destroy me, and I know who it is and if my suspicions prove correct, I assure you my revenge will be swift and merciless.